Wednesday, March 18, 2009

cc: angry mob

memo

to: the person who cooked fish in the office microwave
from: everyone
re: we all hate you

your microwave privileges have been revoked. you are now required to eat cold hot pockets and crunchy ramen noodles for lunch. security has been informed to conduct a daily search of your lunch bag for seafood, cabbage, and microwave popcorn. you have been warned.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

the wii fit is trying to screw with me

exhibit a: put my mii in sweatpants and a belly shirt, and then made it fat

exhibit b: praised my reflexes, but then after skiing declared that i am "unbalanced." are you implying emotionally unbalanced? well? are you?

exhibit c: gave me a "personal trainer" that is either a mannequin from lady foot locker or a really active vampire

exhibit d: told me i have gained 3.5 pounds. in 24 hours. regular bathroom scale confirms only a 1 pound difference. lets face it, the bathroom scale and i have been together longer. so what are you trying to pull here?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

books on the amazon best seller list that describe my struggle to not eat the chocolate donuts in the vending machine

audacity of hope

eat this not that

the omnivores dilemma

the great depression ahead

the tipping point

meltdown

run for your life

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

ways i have attempted to get the neighbors daschund to shut the hell up

  • glared at it out the window
  • opened the back door and yelled at it
  • stood on the porch and yelled at it
  • stood on the other side of the fence and yelled at it
  • tried to bribe it with organic lamb and chicken treats through the fence
  • tried to bribe it by throwing organic lamb and chicken treats in the yard
  • threatened to tell its father
  • threatened to call the dog pound
  • threatened to roast it on a tiny spit
  • showed it the cookbook from which i will get the recipe for daschund stew
  • cried

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

i'm not a good hostess, apparently

what i do to prepare for guests:
  • vacuum
  • pick up dirty laundry
  • put clean sheets on spare bed
  • wash dishes

what i should do to prepare for guests, according to martha stewart:
  • clean the guest room with a handmade cleanser of baking soda, lavender, and tears of joy
  • starch and iron sheets for maximum illusion that guests are staying in a four star hotel
  • stock the guest bath with special soaps and lotions; provide several towels made from 100% egyptian cotton hand picked by mother teresa
  • place a vase with single flower on nightstand, along with a selection of books the guest might enjoy and a small piece of your soul in a handmade pottery bowl

things I have said to friends during arguments

(subtitled: why i'll probably die alone)


"if you can't tolerate someone having an opinion and expressing it, you need more self esteem."

"if its true that you constantly go home and cry because of something i say, why is this the first i ever hear about it?"

"...and you can't say i haven't tried my best, because i was trying months before you even noticed there was a problem."

"i'm not asking you to cater to what i want. i'm laying down the ground rules for being my friend."

" i'm sure shouting at him through the floor is probably the best way to handle that situation"

"and while we're talking about growing and changing, maybe you could not stab someone just for trying to tell you that they are upset. that someone being me."

"i just say the things you're thinking, and you know it."